7152QCA-week7 — Progressing

I made this short video for some ideas about Zine.

My hands are wet, and I feel overwhelmed and sweating from my limbs. I am fragile now. It’s been three days since I had a little barbecue tonight, and I’m feeling a little full. I really feel that death might be becoming. I’m sure it’s a sign. Recently, I have been in a state of constant despair. I have no interest in anything, including playing games and drawing pictures. What I most want to do every day is probably hanging myself. I sent a WeChat to my friend this morning and shared the recent situation with him. He was very angry with me for throwing away the medicine, but I think I always complained about life and death with him, and he probably got used to it.

For the first time, I deeply realized that the disease spread from the psychological to the physical. I was constantly vomiting, trembling, and fidgeting. I felt that everything around me except myself was looking at me, begging me to go to hell quickly. This reminded me of three years ago when I was alone in Australia, and my friends all went back to China. Those months were a nightmare for me. I locked myself in my room every day. I went crazy during the day and hurt myself. I even tied myself up with a quilt so that I wouldn’t really go overboard. Night on the crazy cry, cry tired to sleep, and then the next day cycle. At that time, I was so crazy that I was delirious. I always hoped that I could die with peace of mind through an unexpected accident. Later, I thought I might sacrifice myself to Satan, but the church didn’t approve of my request and said I wasn’t religious enough. I don’t remember exactly how it recovered. But the past few days have made me think about it again.

I should record what I think of in the future, and I’m unsure if I can do literature for the hospital. The rest of the day, also muddle along.